New Study Proves 4Loko to be cure for Cancer

New Study Proves 4Loko to Be Cure for Cancer

A recent experiment was conducted by Hofstra medical students that proved without a doubt that 4Loko is the cure for cancer. This groundbreaking discovery is sure to raise new questions regarding recent New York State legislative decisions by that cunt Schumer, or at the very least make people pumped about the end of cancer or whatever.

“Yo, like, I’m totally psyched this happened,” said Hofstra senior Brett Bretterson who led the study, “My initial intention was to just try to get cancer patients in NUMC really shitfaced, you know like, for science.” After cancer patients drank a few tallboys and blacked out doctors were shocked to discover that all traces of the patient’s cancer had been completely eradicated. “It just doesn’t make any fucking sense to me,” said a NUMC doctor who wished to remain anonymous, “first all these kids were coming in bleeding from the ears from this poison, and now this? I quit medicine.”

Hofstra medical school is still continuing further research into the matter, stocking up on the miracle beverage as much as possible. “It’s pretty much a win-win for me,” says Bretterson, “If 4Loko really is the cure for cancer I’ll be mad rich and shit and, like, get mad pussy at nachos, and even if it isn’t I still got 4Loko for days in my fridge son. Oh, and fuck Chuck Schumer.”