My First Boner

When I was a young lad of the tender age of 8 I experienced my first woody, oh hound diggidy was I startled stiff! I’m not talking about the woody from Toy Story, although it would be awesome to have a rootin tootin load shootin cowboy in my pants. I’m talking about a straight up, and tilting a little to the left, erection.

Needless to say I had no idea what it was or what quarrel it held with me, so I googled it. Safe search wasn’t on so the first 4 million results I got were of people putting their boners in dogs. This seemed like a really icky idea to me but I wanted my chubby to go away because it was giving me the ouchies and it made me feel dizzy. I decided I would put my boner in the next best thing, my little sisters stuffed animals.

I grabbed the fluffiest bunny she had, ripped a hole in it, and did like all the muscly guys do on the internet. Next thing I knew my sister walked on in me while I was balls deep in Mr. Cuddlyface. She screamed  once when she saw all the stuffing on the ground, then she screamed even louder when I dropped her bunny and she saw what looked like a hot dog wearing a novelty Santa Claus beard.

My dad was sooooooo mad.

After receiving a vicious lashing from my father and my face rubbed in Mr. Cuddlyface’s sticky stuffing, I was sent to bed early with no supper. When I woke up the next morning my boner was back staring me in the face. At first I was scared thinking my pet python got loose in the night and wanted to give me a kiss, but when I realized what it was my fright was replaced by anger. How many stuffed rabbits did I have to violate to make this damn thing go away!

I decided I would end this once and for all, sorry woody but I’m afraid you’re going to miss the Toy Story sequels. I walked to my door and slammed it closed as hard as I could on my boner. The pain was so blinding I immediately vomited all over my dad as he walked out of the bathroom, my boner threw up too and hit my dad square in the face. My last memory before blacking out was my dad screaming something about a salty taste in his mouth, I hope my mom didn’t buy the wrong toothpaste again.

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