Catcher in the Rye: Losing your innocence and anal virginity at the same time

If anything says ‘America’ it’s baseball, barbecuing, and a giant pair of Hooter’s titties. Who doesn’t love a seemingly innocent all-American girl with an all too obvious sense of promiscuity?

Every frat boy’s dream would be to intercept Cindy Lou on her way to table 9 and whisk her into the bathroom for the special of the day. Now the bathroom can be a bit of a tight squeeze so entering Cindyville through her “back roads” is an easy fix. So there you, are balls deep when “WhoAoOaaO!” Surprise buttsex occurs. Cindy Lou yelps and your fantasy is over.

Now as thrilling as it may sound, buttsex runs a close second under pregnancy as “Things that should never come in surprise forms.” Surely every frat boy’s nightmare would be to awaken in the middle of the night and find his brother ready with a stiff surprise. So basically my point is buttsex, surprise style, is no fun.

On the other hand it can be fun if your name is Big Butch, you’re doing 20 to life and your bitch drops his soap in the shower (oldest buttsex joke in the book), butt I digress. Buttsex could also be fun if you sneak up, pants someone, yell “SURPRISE!”, and go for it. That way you don’t get in trouble because you gave them fair warning.

Buttsex most definitely has its ups and downs, depending on which end of the spectrum you’re on. If you’re on the bitch side, then it would be best to squeeze tight throughout the day and have your back towards a wall whenever possible. I mean, you never really know when buttsex could strike. Shopping, go-cart racing, painting a fence, doing dishes…these are all activities that could put you at high risk. However if you’re a Big Butch have a field day with it, just remember to yell “SURPRISE!”